So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
