It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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