I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
