I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize