He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
