OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
