i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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