you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
