If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
