Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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