you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she peed on how many people?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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