Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
