and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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