new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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