I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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