My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
