i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
