I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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