The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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