I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
