I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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