Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
