This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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