Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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