i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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