If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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