Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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