Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
