Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
