My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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