I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
