Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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