Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
