So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
