I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
