just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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