i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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