I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
