It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
