I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
