you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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