Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
