I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
