Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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