I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
