it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
this will be a night to untag.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
