i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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