I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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