is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
