he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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