Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
