this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
