suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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