Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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