Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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