Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
